Kanye fishes with auto-tuned rod; hooks La ¡Cinta! on the cheek; Coast Guard pissed; La ¡Cinta! surprised we took the bait; fell asleep at Kanye concert in ’05 (seriously).

Alright this is all very exciting.  After years of trying to like Kanye but just not being able to, Kanye hooks our cheek like a tuna off the coast of Cabo San Lucas.

It’s going to be a battle for Kanye to reel this fish in though – catching La ¡Cinta! is like catching a whale shark, and we usually only like things that are far too obscure to see, like those crazy deep see monsters in the Abyssal Plains.

So what did Kanye use as bait?

1st off he’s working on a reality tv show about himself… actually I lied, reality tv shows are like using cheese as bait, all you catch are suckers!

2nd off, his forthcoming album 808s and Heartbreaks, will reportedly feature Kanye singing instead of rapping.  This is HUGE points for Kanye, seeing as the only people who should be allowed to rap are MF Doom and his various aliases, Beck, and Will Smith; oh and Ghostface Killah (try using the word Killah after everything you say, it’s totally bad ass – you can also call your cat Catface Killah, or your dog Dogface Killah, and it really gives them that Wu Tang edge).

My iguana’s name is Taco, and I call him ¡Taco Killah!  It totally freaks out the taco vendors, and they scream profanities like “Chucha Madre,” which is totally offense if you translate it.

Back to Kanye:

3rd off, his new single is available here at his blog for free! And while there’s been a lot of controversy surrounding it in the last few weeks (and I can completely understand why people would hate on it) I love it. It’s really simple, and it’s a huge change for Kanye.  Change is good, ’cause old Kanye didn’t quite hit the spot.

After releasing the original version of Love Lockdown online and performing it at the MTV Awards, Kanye recieved tepid reactions from his fans. So he hit the studio and re-recorded the song.

He kept the auto-tune vocals, which are a large part of the controversy.

La ¡Cinta!’s thoughts on auto-tune: vocoders and voice effects are cool if done tastefully and in moderation.  If 808s and Heartbreaks is entirely auto-tuned that could be terrifying.  Although apparently Kanye’s been using auto-tune the whole time (if Kanye’s tone deaf that would explain a lot).

Good voice effects: The Strokes Is This It (although I guess that’s not really moderation), Cut Copy In Ghost Colors, and about a million wicked songs from the 80s.

Bad voice effects: That horrific new Mars Volta album – it sounded like the Volta swallowed the tapes from the De-Loused in the Comatorium sessions – and regurgitated them onto new tapes, and ran the new tapes through a cheap digital voice effect and called it a new album.  Gag!

4th off, Kanye is working on a new tv show called Alligator Boots starring, you know, puppets.  It’s reportably going to be the gangster version of the muppets, and music will be done by Kanye and Rhymefest.  The world needs this.  More information on Kanye’s puppets here.

Here’s the Champion video where Kanye got his start in puppetry:

But you know what the main allure to Kanye is these days, that all this blogging he does really shows off his sensitive side – it shows him angry, passionate, sad;  just like a real person.  And taking those snarky comments about Love Lockdown to heart, well that is just salsa on the burrito my amigos, because it means that we own Kanye.  Insult the man and he will cry. Neurotically self-aware hip-hop celebrities who blog are a source of great delight.  I think all the blogging Kanye does really helps him get in touch with his feminine, sensitive, emotional, manly side.

Kanye even went so far as to ask a random pretty girl in the airport to listen to a couple new tracks and tell him what she thought.  So said pretty girl turned out to be no other than Jenny Lewis, of both Jenny Lewis and Rilo Kiley fame.  Jenny told Kanye that he’s taking his blipster image fans not seriously enough too seriously, and should probably start an emo band stop caring about what everyone else thinks, and treat himself to Dairy Queen, remember that he wrote that big hit song Jesus Walks and that the Pope’s got his back his mom says he’s still cool his fans still love him everyone’s still pissed about that Coachella appearance Love Lockdown is the best song ever and everything he writes is gold.

Even if Kanye does reel us into his fishing boat, we will never ever ever EVER wear those idiotic glasses of his.

PS: Kanye and 50 Cent (is he still making music!?) are having a repeat of last year’s album release showdown (Kanye won last year).  Kanye may even change release date of 808s and Heartbreak to the same day as 50 Cent’s release! Wow.. aren’t publicity stunts so invigorating… barf.

Update: In an ever insightful blog post entitled 808s and Heartbreak coming soon…. Kanye writes

“I CHANGED MY ALBUM TO NOVEMBER SOMETHING CAUSE I FINISHED THE ALBUM AND I FELT LIKE IT.. I WANT YALL TO HEAR IT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE”

I guess the album is coming at least a few weeks earlier then anticipated… which means it’ll probably be leaked October Something.

Listening to Now: Kanye West Love Lockdown (2008), Asobi Seksu Walk on the Moon (2007), Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins Rabbit Fur Coat (2006), and MF Doom & Trunks Presents The Unicron EP (2008).

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1 Comment

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One response to “Kanye fishes with auto-tuned rod; hooks La ¡Cinta! on the cheek; Coast Guard pissed; La ¡Cinta! surprised we took the bait; fell asleep at Kanye concert in ’05 (seriously).

  1. Its good rappers are not afraid to experiment… not to mention… contorversy sells

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